Tales from the Secret Agent: The swimming pool show-off

By Lisa James
Home » Tales from the Secret Agent: The swimming pool show-off

Nothing beats a spot of people-watching on a cruise. Do readers recall booking any of these passengers who happened to be on Secret Agent’s recent voyage?

It’s always nice to get away for a personal holiday and, this week, husband and I boarded a Princess cruise up to the Norwegian Fjords.

It would have been easier getting hold of the Dalai Lama than getting through to someone at Princess Cruises to check on an email they sent telling me there are no longer tests required before boarding.

Can’t get through, so we rock up ‘testless’ and head for the green lane.

All goes well till the check-in assistant asks for a copy of our antigen test.

I advise her that Princess have said this is no longer required.

She confirms this is the case but she has to ask to move on in the check-in process and if we just ‘say’ we did the test that’s fine.

Before you know it, we’re at sea and the fun begins.

Two ladies of a certain age are in one of the bars, head to toe in enough sequins to put a Strictly dancer to shame.

They strike up a conversation with me. One, recently widowed, has been persuaded a cruise will ‘take her mind off things’, so here they are.

We leave them and head off for dinner. After we’ve finished, we pass the same bar and see they haven’t moved an inch but are now wasted, clutching their handbags, fast asleep and snoring their heads off…

A day at sea doesn’t suit everyone, but I could people watch all day.

A lady in a mobility scooter has wedged herself into a corner and is unsuccessfully attempting a 36-point turn.

The staff spot her and offer to help. She then hops off the scooter like a gazelle and heads towards the bar, thanking them as she goes.

Meanwhile, a well-preserved older man – easily in his 70s but with a body he’s obviously taken care of and in a pair of Speedos that would have probably suited Tom Daley better – announces his arrival to the adults-only pool by preening for a good five minutes before he majestically jumps in the pool and begins doing an impression of Mark Spitz.

Convinced his audience has admired him for long enough, he gets out of the pool, still preening, promptly slips and falls on his behind, needing two pool boys to help him up.

The only thing hurt was his pride, but they do say it comes before a fall.

Click here to read more tales from the Secret Agent.

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